Questioning

Well, it's been a while again. I was so ready for a return to writing regularly after that last short mobile post, but then so many things in my life changed. Some people prefer to update quickly as events unfold; a desire made easier with the advent of forums such as Facebook and Twitter, but I prefer to let everything finish and calm down so I have time to reflect and look back on everything as a whole. I haven't felt emotionally comfortable with writing what has happened to me in the past couple of months, particularly when I find it a lot easier to write about success and fun food excursions rather than what right now feels like failure. I decided it was better that I wait until I really felt the need to write, and after going through what to say over and over again in my head, that has finally happened. As such, after making another long excuse for not writing again, I will give a quick update on my life.

On April 5th, after enjoying a wonderful week touring the bay area with my brother, Dad, and Matt, I returned to my job at Cisco Systems only to learn that the majority of my department was being outsourced overseas. I was probably going to lose my job by the end of April, just a few months after I had started. I was devastated, and along with most of my coworkers, began to go through the five stages of grief. I even refused to believe my Japanese co-worker, Sakura, the first day because everything just seemed so sudden and unreal, even though looking back, it is not uncommon at all these days for tech jobs to be outsourced to cheaper labor markets.

Then, on April 15th, Matt and I decided that our relationship was not working particularly well and that we should end it. I know I have been immensely private during this relationship, so while this was not a surprise to me, it may have been or still be to some of my friends. We had not been doing well at all; neither of us had been happy or even feeling much like a couple for quite a while. I had even previously spoken to my dad just a couple days before the 15th to tell him I didn't think this relationship would last much longer. My dad said to give it time, so I had been, but ultimately Matt brought it up before I had even decided when might be best. There really is no best time to do it anyway. To answer the inevitable question of why we broke up, without going into ranting specifics, suffice to say that we currently have very different goals in life and that we both feel we have a lot of things we need to accomplish before settling into a relationship where we are unsure of the future of said relationship.

Hopefully this will clarify some of my statements and actions on Facebook about being lost and single. I don't really mind being single and I am still on good terms with Matt, it was just a lot to go through between that and the fear of losing my job at Cisco. I decided to handle my mounting stress in the ways I know best - by traveling and eating good food. One day after Matt and I broke up, I booked a flight to visit New York City for four days to reflect, eat lots of delicious food, tour unique places, and go shopping in Soho. More to come on that later. After returning to San Jose, I learned that Cisco had extended my and some of my coworkers' contracts by three months, until the end of July. We all promptly spent the entire last weeks of April partying and eating out every single day. I felt like I was back in college. More to come on that later as well. I don't particularly feel that this serious blog entry should feature mood-lightening food.

So, as my entry title states, lately I have been questioning everything, particularly who I am as a person and where I want to go in life from here. I know that in the long run when I look back I probably will say that coming out here wasn't a complete failure. I have been learning a lot about myself, I am gaining experience at Cisco, meeting lots of new people and so on, but right now I am just kind of frustrated at everything and still mostly lost. However, things could be a lot worse in life - I still have my job at Cisco, and I am still living with Matt until the end of July when both our apartment contract and my work contract come up. And most importantly I have still found plenty of time to enjoy parts of my life, even if they are the simple events of talking to my supportive friends and family, seeing a movie, going places with coworkers, and of course, eating and cooking lots of good food.

My adventures with food return tomorrow morning. Featuring NYC pizza and local San Jose/Milpitas restaurants! Stay tuned.